Agree 2 Disagree

The other day The Wife told me about how her grandmother would get upset whenever The Wife would challenge anything her grandmother would say. Her grandmother's response; "Stop contradicting me!"

I'm almost certain that as a child I've heard something similar a few times, but probably not in such blog friendly terms. I guess as an intelligent, inquisitive, strong willed child, I figured why not give my opinion on the current state of affairs? And apparently The Wife was the same kind of kid.

Anybody see where I'm going with this?

If one intelligent, inquisitive, strong-willed child grows up and goes to college and meets another intelligent, inquisitive, strong-willed child and they get married and make babies, things could get volatile in that household. Needless to say, ever since The Wife told me the story, I've found myself in plenty situations when I've wanted to wring someone's neck! yell "Stop contradicting me!" And here are just a few of those situations....TODAY.

Zari: Can we go outside daddy?
Me: It's raining.
Zari: No it's not.


Me: Morgan do you have to potty?
Morgan: No.
Me: You sure? You drank 2 whole cups of apple juice.
Morgan: No I didn't.


Zari: Daddy you should give us chocolate milk
Me: You didn't finish your lunch so no I shouldn't
Zari: Yes you should
Me: No I shouldn't
Zari: (singing)Yes you should
(Repeat)


Me: Zari you can't steer the bike if you don't keep your hands on the handlebars
Zari: Yes I can
Me: Okaaaay
(CRASH)
Me: I told you
Zari: No you didn't.

"STOP CONTRADICTING ME!"  #please

A Bad Word

If I had to make a list of all the things the girls do or say that make me want to run away from home (for at least a couple of hours) that list would be a mile long (but don't get me wrong, I love my babies).

But lately there's one simple word that makes me cringe every time I hear it. One small three letter word that sets me off the way a matador evokes the fury of a charging bull. A mono-syllabic word that whenever it's uttered even from the mouths of babes is like an unexpected gut punch from 1987 Mike Tyson (but don't get me wrong, I love my babies).

Which word?

But! - With one "T", not two.

Not the butt you sit on, not the butt you find in an ashtray or the victim of a joke. None of the above. I'm talking about the conjunction that means "contrary". As in "contrary to what you said Dad" or "contrary to what you want Dad" or "contrary to how you feel Dad", etc. Every time I hear it I brace myself for some excuse, complaint, objection or just plain old hard-headedness (copyright 2013). If I never have to hear any of these sentences ESPECIALLY preceded by that word ever again, I'd drop to my knees and thank God and anybody else who made it possible.

Exhibit A:

...but I don't want that for dinner
...but I don't want you to turn the t.v. off
...but I don't want to take a nap

...but it's not hers it's mine
...but it's not time to clean up
...but it's not fair

...but you said I could
...but you said we should
...but you said you would

...but I like juice (@breakfast)
...but I like water (@lunch)
...but I like milk (@dinner)

...but why?
...but how?
...but when?

I could go on and on and on...

BUT why bother?  ;-)

The Sibling Paradox

One of the most confusing YET amusing dynamics between the girls is the way they fight with such bloodlust sometimes and the only way to douse the raging fire of their sibling rivalry is to threaten to SEPARATE them.

You're thinking "that's crazy". And that's exactly what I think every time it happens. They fight, I threaten to separate them and they both plead for it not to happen and promise to play nice. Which they do for about 3 and a half minutes and go right back at it like the mini-black Hatfields & McCoys.

It wreaks of dysfunction and they both play the role of the battered wife AND the abusive husband and lash out at me like the interfering neighbor who should just mind his business. 

Next thing you know one of them will be running to me crying about being hit and turn right around to defend the hitter. "She didn't mean it, I shouldn't have taken her toy. She loves me." And as usual if I'm forced to dish out any punishment they'll huddle together afterwards and console one another and look at me with that "mean old daddy" look.

And actually, I'm not mean at all. I'm just confused.

#craziness

The Dirty Diaper Analogy

It's been almost a week since I've changed a dirty diaper and I'm LOVING IT! It's like being 16 and on Summer vacation. Every morning I wake up is filled with hope and excitement of what today will bring. But deep down there's that nagging fear that at any moment your mom is going to get tired of seeing you lay around on the couch and spending your days carefree and happy so she gives you some manual labor chore like cleaning out the garage or building a guest house just to watch you sweat. If she's working every day the least you can do as a freeloading dependent is hide your summertime joy a little better. 

Every day I wake up still beaming from yesterday's potty accomplishments and praying that they can be duplicated. But deep down that nagging feeling is there that Morgan will get tired of seeing me celebrate every diaper that I DON'T have to change and she'll orchestrate an accident or she'll just not quite make it to the potty this time. And she'll do it to remind me of the power she has over me. The power to make me sweat....and gag. After all, if she has to put in all the work of using the potty every time she has an urge then the least I can do is hide my diaper-free joy a little better.

And believe me I'll walk around this house looking depressed if it'll keep her shi mess in the toilet where it belongs. WHATEVER it takes!